Happy New Year, loves!!
This post is a looooong one, but I feel the need to share some of my thoughts, feelings and heart. This is my blog, so I can write what ever I want, yes? I thought so! Here we go!
The new year came roaring in days ago and I’ve been taking the time to intentionally set myself up for a good year (as much as one can) in 2017. The latter part of 2016 for me was rough. Rough is an understatement, actually. It was ugly and difficult. Painful and emotionally jarring. What started in May 2016 as a little rocky turned into full blown anxiety and depression and tears and barely holding it together as the year neared Thanksgiving. During those 6 months, I tried SO hard to keep my shit together. I’ve struggled with anxiety for a few years but something happened in September that triggered a MAJOR setback and started the scarier part of my spiral downward. I’m not going to share details, but to me, it was painful and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever been through.
A couple of weeks before Thanksgiving, I went in to see my doctor and tell her what’s been going on and how things had been. I sat in that doctor’s office for 2 hours and cried and listened and cried and shared and cried some more. And can I just say, my doctor is amazing. She is one of the most loveliest people I’ve ever met and has a true heart for the people that she sees and wants them to feel their best while they live their best life. She gave me some things to think about about and shared some advice on a different way of looking at things and I walked out of there feeling better than I had in a while. I actually had some hope that life would start to turn around and that I could actually get out of this dark spiral I was quickly going down and couldn’t seem to pull myself out of. A few days after this visit, the family and I went to Cannon Beach for our annual Family Thanksgiving Feast. I almost didn’t go. I wasn’t feeling up to it, emotionally. But my family – I love them and I look forward to this trip every year. We get to hang out, take walks on the beach (there is something to be said about the ocean. It really is good for the soul.), eat, take trips to the chocolate store for amazing chocolate chip cookies and milkshakes, the kids get to go shopping with their Nonna and Papa, we dance in the kitchen to “Cotton Eye’d Joe”, the cousins all play together, and on our last night there, we enjoy a Thanksgiving meal that we spend all day in the kitchen cooking together. How could I not go? These few days there make my heart happy and I LOVE Cannon Beach.
During that trip, things started to look a bit better as I made some intentional decisions and tried to put myself into a different mindset. When I got back, I told a few close people what was going on and what I was going through. And that was pretty scary. Everyone wants to look like they have it all together and that life is as pretty as it looks on social media. But it’s not. People hurt. People are in pain. People go through shit. And I am trying to be more honest with myself and with those around me so I thought I’d step so stinkin’ far out of my comfort zone and talk to a few trusted people that I knew would love me, even when I said, “I’m not doing well.” I had a couple of people say “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I hope that you feel better soon.” And I had a few ask me “What’s going on? I love you and I’m here for you and I want to help you feel better.” And self care was a biggie for me. I needed to take the action of purposely putting myself first, which is something I am NOT used to at all. Bless my husband for being the biggest support and the kindest, most gentlest man by my side. He held me, he listened, he offered encouragement. This time period wasn’t easy for him, I know. And that was hard to deal with as I didn’t want to be a burden to him…..but he would say “It’s OK. It’s something you can’t help right now.” On top of work and his projects going on, he had this wife that was crumbling and that he was worried about. But he handled it with so much grace and love. This man LOVES this crazy girl and I feel so blessed that he walks beside me in this life through the ups and the downs. Even my kids were SO very understanding and empathetic and so honest in their words explaining to me how they felt seeing their mom “not high on life anymore”. They were worried…..I could see it in their eyes. I was like “My kids are SO going to be on a therapist couch in a few years!” I talked with them and kept the lines of communication open with them both as much as I could and tried to keep life as normal for them as possible. They were so amazing as well. They would check in on me and ask “Did you do something nice for yourself today?” Or come and just give me an extra hug and kiss randomly throughout the day. I’ve got an amazing family and there is no way I could’ve gotten through that gross period without them. Seriously. Big Terp and Littlest Terps are my TRIBE! (I LOVE YOU! )
SO LONG 2016!!!
Well, not one to linger long on the negative, I am moving on and said “BYE BYE BYE!” to 2016 with a group of some very special people and am looking ahead with bright eyes, a happy heart and excitement towards 2017 and all that this year has the possibility to be. I am really excited about this year, because honestly, I don’t see how it can’t be good after the 6 month shit show I was in last year.
That brings be to this – My One Little Word for 2017 (I fell in love with this idea after hearing about it on one of my favorite blogger’s website. If you want to read about it, check it out here.)
Each year instead of making resolutions (because they suck and they don’t get done), I pick one or two words that I want to focus on. A word that I make a real intention on making a part of my year and helps me on my path in the future. Last year, my words were INTENTION and DISCOVERY. This year my word is:
The last two weeks of last year, I started thinking about what I want my 2017 to look like and feel like. What I want to accomplish, see, do, make, be….all the good things. And in looking at those things, this word came to mind. And so I noted it and filed it away to think about. But I always came back to it. So, I looked up the definition of it and fell in LOVE with the word. Like, it slapped me upside the head and was like “YES!”
So, PURPOSE it is and I am SO excited! I am so excited to work with this word, to infuse it into my daily life and play with it, to enjoy it, to take it apart and dissect it and put it back together in a way that represents me.
I would like to share with you my thoughts on my word and plan on doing that in a PART II of my blog post coming up next week.
Thanks so much if you’ve read this novel….I really appreciate it. I’ll see you next week!